Why is being a good listener so important?

Listening is something that we do every day. However, are you a good listener? Sometimes you may find yourself interrupting the person talking or you may find that you often start talking about your own experience without first acknowledging the other person. This doesn’t make you a bad listener but there are a few things you can do to make your listening skills better. Letting others know you’re listening through your facial expressions and verbal sounds such as “Mm-hm”, is a great way to start. Also being able to repeat what they have said, practically word-for-word is also great. Something like, “So, let me make sure I understand. What you’re saying is…” is good to start with. However, there is more you can do to become the best listener for your friends and loved one when they need it.

Skills for listening

Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. Sometimes it is good to periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. This is because it helps to gently challenge their old assumptions in a constructive way. Thinks about it, just because someone sits there and nods doesn’t mean they are actually listening, but if you are asking questions, it will confirm that you are listening.

You should also make the conversation a positive experience. This doesn’t happen when you are passive or critical. You should make them feel supported. A good listening skill to have, is to be able to have a cooperative conversation. This type of interactions, the feedback will flow smoothly in both directions and neither party should become defensive about the comments either of you make.  Making suggestions can be good. Some feedback provided in a way they would accept will open up alternative paths to consider.

Different levels of listening

Not all conversations require the same level of listening. Many conversations would benefit from greater focus and listening skills.

It is important to make the person fee they are in a safe environment in which sometimes difficult topics or even emotional issues can be discussed. Perhaps clear away distractions such as your television, phone and computer. Focus your attention on the other person and make eye-contact. Try to understand the core what they are saying. Take up their ideas, ask them questions, and if needed restate the issues to confirm your understanding is correct.

Sometimes it’s important to look for non-verbal cues such as facial expressions, what feelings they may transmit, how they are breathing, moving their hands, how they are sitting and other body language signals which will communicate equally as important as the language they use. This may even let you discover subconscious feelings they are not maybe even aware of at this time.

Can you put yourself in the other person’s position and understand their emotions about the topic? Let them know your response to this. If there are things you don’t understand ask questions and maybe use your input to help them to see the issue in a new light. 

How it all works

All these suggestions here work together to make you a good listener. Remember they are a different person to you and do things differently perhaps so don’t be too pushy with your suggestions. You are their sounding board for them to clarify how they feel and what they can do to move forward. Hopefully when you have an issue, they, or someone else, will be able to provide the good listening skills to assist you in your needs.

Remember that counselling and therapy are good sounding boards for issues that often cannot be resolved in your life. This clinic offers a range of therapies to assist you to overcome your stress, anxiety, blockages and to reach your goals. We can help you clear away the negativity that keeps you blocked. So why not give us a call and discuss how we can help you today.

Personality disorders affect communication with people you love

Personality disorders are hard to diagnose. Just because someone has some of the traits doesn’t not mean they have a certain personality disorder. Having the disorder means that it causes you much distress and problems functioning, not just a once in a while habit or attitude. It also has to fit the circumstances. An example would be a moody, successful movie star who is demanding and self-centred with their behaviour. They would not perhaps qualify as having a narcissistic personality disorder as long as they can get away with this behaviour as people could just think the behaviour is due to egotistical fame causing them to become what is usually referred to as a diva. Similarly a person living alone with no neighbour for miles would not possibly have a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder if they can function well in social situations, even though they may dislike having social interaction with others.

Are they showing characteristics of a disorder?

People can often show signs and traits of multiple disorders at once. For example you may have heard rumours about someone that has narcissistic borderline traits who slept their way into an executive position or high-profile job only to remove and fire those who got them there. They then make life extremely difficult and miserable for the people who replace them. People with personality disorders tend to blame others for their troubles, which is also why they don’t tend to seek professional help as they don’t believe they are the problem. Often they only seek help when they are forced to do so. This usually comes after domestic violence in some form or a suicide attempt when a family member insists they go see someone. Once they are there seeking the help they need, someone with a personality disorder only tends to stay for as long as they are forced to, not necessarily as long as they should to resolve the issue. 

Who seeks help most?

The most common people seeking help are those that have suffered due to someone in their lives that has a personality disorder. These people are usually family members, partners, or employees that have developed anxiety or depression from their interaction with the person with the disorder.

What about the diagnosis?

Diagnoses of personality disorders need to be made by properly trained mental health professionals. It can cause someone great pain to tell them that you suspect them of having a personality disorder, so it is better left unsaid. However, it is important to know how to recognise the major symptoms as it will help you deal with these people on a daily basis. What you also need to remember is that if you need to you can seek professional help to teach you how to cope with this person in your life if you choose to have them in it. If you suspect someone you care about has a disorder and you are not being treated properly why not give us a call to see how we can help?

(Pic thanks to Brodie Vissers - Burst)

Technology and its effect on relationships

Technology is at the heart of our lifestyle. It has changed the way we communicate in our everyday life. We now type emails instead of letters, sent instantly. We text instead of call and instead of meeting face to face we use video calls and face time.

In the past when we dated we used to get dressed up and head out to different places to meet people. Today we don’t have to leave the house. A lot of people are using technology to find love because it’s as easy as swiping right if you like the look of someone. There’s a lot of sites that cater for people who are looking for love but how is this technology effecting our relationships?

Every person has a preconceived expectation of what it’s like to be loved. Some people need to be told they are loved while others need to be hugged. Technological dating makes it hard sometimes to work out what the other person needs and can lead to issues when you finally do meet face to face so let’s look at the different ways people express and expect love sometimes.

Affection and appreciation

Does your partner respond well to loving words? If they do it might be a good idea to make that short phone call to tell them you’re thinking of them and love them. Sure it’s easier to flick them a text but going that one step further and making the call may mean so much more to them. Words of complement or appreciation also go a long way if your partner is one that responds well to loving words. Or even a gentle touch or holding their hand can express something that perhaps the heart on the phone screen doesn’t quite say in the same way.

Action

Some people would like you to show them love through your actions. This could be cooking dinner for them, giving them a relaxing massage or taking care of them when they are feeling unwell. This is one area in which today's technologies can come in handy as there are all types of apps these days to help to make things easier, cheaper and save time.

Time and attention

Sometimes all we want is for our partner to spend some quality time with us and give us their full attention. Technology can sometimes get in the way with this. Yes, you may be able to multitask but is that really quality time? Does sitting on your phone scrolling through Facebook or reading emails while having dinner or watching a movie with your partner really qualify as quality time? If this is the way your partner treats you then you may need to tell them to put that phone down and spend an evening or lunch break just with you.

Giving Gifts

Some people like to receive tokens of affection as in gifts to show love. If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, then the importance of the gift is magnified. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, giving your partner not necessarily expensive gifts, but giving them thoughtful gifts will make them feel special and loved. Technology can make this easy with online shopping and you cannot save time finding the perfect gift while comparing prices and saving money.

So while technology can lead to many arguments about Facebook and scrolling between couples there is also an upside. You can find things you have in common online, share ideas about what movies to watch, text each other flirty messages and use it to communicate rather than communication breakdowns. Keep in mind yours and your partners preferences when is comes to how we need to give and receive love and keep the lines of communication flowing.

Thank you and its importance in good communication

Thank you is something that we are all taught to say from a young age. Saying thank you is respectful and polite but it’s actually much more than that. We are taught to say it when we receive a gift, or someone does something kind for us. We say it as it is a way of acknowledging what the other person did and shows we appreciate it. Sometimes we don’t say it enough to our partner and we assume the other person knows we appreciate them. This may not be the case and often in relationships it’s important to say the words in order to communicate clearly.

As a response to criticism

Often when people criticise our heart centre closes up and we don’t even want to speak to them. Sometimes though criticism may be constructive and if it is then best to take it on board. In that case you can thank them for their feedback which also serves to neutralise the situation.

When people butt in

Similarly, sometimes we may feel like telling someone to just ‘mind their own business’ when they butt in. It could be a situation where someone thinks they are being helpful by giving advice but it can be quite irritating. A simple thank you can stop unnecessary conflict. Sometimes blunt, unflattering words can give us very helpful feedback. Instead of going into defence mode if we take it on board it may be a way to inspire our future progress.

As a response when someone is being nice

Have you ever received a compliment and flicked it off rather than just saying ‘thank you?’ Have you made it sound like you did nothing special? This is deflecting the compliment and devaluing it. So in future why not simply say thank you and let it make you feel good?

Running late

The usual response for being late is an apology. This keeps the focus on ourselves. Whilst it may be stressful for you to run late it is also disrespectful for the other person. So instead of a ‘sorry’ why not thank the other person for waiting for you, for their patience and understanding. This shifts the focus to them.

Customer service

What is your response when someone complains about your product or service? Do you become defensive and try to put the blame onto the customer asking how they used the product, or if they followed the instructions properly? Would it not be better to listen to what they have to say, thank them for the information, ask for more details and thank them for the feedback? Then in a calm way you can decide how you can cement the relationship.

Grief

Perhaps another important place to say thank you is when someone comes to you in grief after a loss. Sometimes we are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say so we try to calm them reminding them they will always have the memories of their loved one. These platitudes though really don’t help much. Is it not better to thank them for trusting you enough to share their feelings with you and to hear them out?

So as you can see these two words, ‘thank you’ can have a powerful meaning to show your appreciation and open the lines of communication with others. Perhaps it would be a good idea to use them more often.